he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
