I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
