We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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