Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
