I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You are a genius and a whore.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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