I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
