great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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