i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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