i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
