I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
