I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
