One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
