I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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