you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
