You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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