matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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