Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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