im drinking this country out of the recession.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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