just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
