someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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