you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
