so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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