yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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