life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
