you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
