I molested 6 butterflies tonight
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
