85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
