when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
