did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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