if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
