the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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