Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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