Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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