I've blown a few things in my day
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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