How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
