Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
