I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
