Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I cannot find my penis.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need to calm my uterus...
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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