So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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