i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
