I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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