life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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