So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
