Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
