I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My vagina is officially offended.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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