She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
