i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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