life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
