im drinking this country out of the recession.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
