you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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