I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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