Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
