Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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